Perfect Love

I have been struggling recently. 

Not something I love to admit. But, the truth must come to the light. I have been struggling with fear. Fear is the absence of faith. So, I have been struggling with faith.

 Please allow me to explain. 

There are certain things I know. 

I know God is real, His love is real, and the He loves me.

I know I am supposed to be here. I know God called me to this country.

I know God put a vision on my heart to start a school in west Nepal. 

Unfortunately, I also know other things. 

I know that visas in Nepal are hard to receive.

 I know that I am young and inexperienced. 

I know that I don't have an organization in Nepal backing me up. (Although, I do have an amazing church family and others who are backing me up- thank you to all of you!!) 

I know that I have no idea 'how' to start a school, and I know that the vision God placed on my heart sometimes scares me a bit. 

I also, know that my main struggle is that I have focused way too much attention on the facts that have consequently deterred my faith. 

The verse from 1 John 4:18 comes to mind. 

There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out all fear. 

I remember one night, the first night I was brave enough to ride my bicycle on the ring road (the main HIGHLY trafficked road in Kathmandu equivalent to a major highway in the states, although- less rules and way more chaotic). First of all, being out at night is not something I would normally do, but being on a bicycle and heading straight for my home, I dismissed all of my normal precautions and rode away. 

After riding quite some time and not seeing my turn off- I became a bit worried. I called my friend and asked him if he could help me navigate home. After talking a minute or two, he spurted out quickly "Get off the ring road, I come to get you now."

Then he hung up. 

I sat on my bicycle waiting for him to arrive.

Looking around, in the dark streets of Kathmandu, I noticed some people staring at this strange foreigner.

 I felt fear crippling in when a man appeared to be approaching me. I closed my eyes and without hesitation I started saying "perfect love casts out all fear"

 OUT LOUD.

 It was a strange moment for all of us…

 me, the man, and I am sure God got a kick out of it too. :) 

I opened my eyes to find the man making a face at me, then he walked in the other direction. I felt this peace and a smile appeared on my face. I started proclaiming Gods greatness. "God, you are sovereign, God you are holy….etc" 

Through this, well, silly moment, and "be careful" learning opportunity- I also came to this sudden conclusion. 

When we are in the presence of the Father FEAR HAS TO LEAVE!

As of right now, I am admitting to God how dumb I was to not fully trust HIM. 

The more I learn about myself, the more I realize how much I NEED Him. 

When volunteering at the slums, some of the small children cannot carry their own trays to the tables. (We have tried to let them- but when they accidentally touch the hot part they drop it. Or they cannot figure out how to balance it between both hands while walking, and soon they have daal bhat (rice and lentils) all over their clothes and body.)

There is no problem carrying their trays for them. I do it with pleasure! Putting their tray in one hand, and their small hand in my other hand- I guide them to their seat. 

It humors me how stubborn some of the kids are though. They want to be like the big kids- carrying their trays by themselves. 

It suddenly dawned on me today. I am just like those stubborn small children. I need Jesus and others He sends, to carry my load for me sometimes. This is hard for me. I look at other missionaries. I see them having everything together and I want to be independent too. I become frustrated with the "wait" as the Lord is sending someone to "carry my tray." I proceed to grab the tray, burn my fingers then get daal bhat all over me.

I am working hard to declare all dependence on Him DAILY and LET Him carry my tray, because I know that when I do, suddenly all my fears melt away because PERFECT LOVE casts out all fear. 

Last night, during a worship session with my Nepali family, I was blown away from a picture I received from God. In the middle of worship- I asked the Lord "How much do you love me?" But what I really wanted to know was, "Do you see me? Do you notice me?" 

I pictured Jesus with His hand out saying "come." 

He brought me to this place so high that I could see the entire world! I looked at Jesus. He smiled and pointed at the earth and said, "I can see you, look."

There I was. It was like I was the only one He created. I saw me, standing in Nepal. Yes, a tiny human on a very big earth. But I could see me!

Later, my friend told me "God loves EACH of His creation as if they are HIS ONLY creation." 

What a beautiful sight! 

Sometimes when I am writing my lessons, I become weary because it is very difficult to write ESL lesson plans for my 7th graders. (My degree is EC- 6 generalist, therefore, I am working completely out of my credentials). 

But somehow when I arrive at the school, God gives me a whole new lesson and a whole new idea I had not even thought of! The children seem to be learning and loving it. It is amazing that He cares enough about me to help me teach my kids english!

Prayer 

 God, please continue to carry my tray for me. 

Thank you for loving me and caring about me so much! Thank you that there is NO ROOM for fear in the presence of God.

I love you Lord so much!

Thank you for providing everything I need as I need it. Never a moment early or a moment too late!

You truly are a GREAT God!

Friends and family, 

It was a challenge for me to write this. But I want you to know my struggles so you can be clear on how to pray for me. I need your prayer more than you know. Please do not stop praying for Nepal, the vision God put on my heart, and please pray for me.

Specific Needs right now:

I applied at a school that can give me a 2 year visa- please pray that if this is Gods will that this school will hire me.

Also, if I get this job I will not be able to work at the slums any more and I will only be able to teach my 7th graders once a week. To receive a volunteer visa you must work full time (40+ hours) a week. 

Please pray for God to take care of the places I have invested in, pray that He will give me peace that it is His will for me to work at this school full time.

This school also offers Nepali language classes for free and free lunches if I become employed full time.

Thank you for your prayer support and encouragement!